Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
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Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah