My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”