Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
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I came this close!!!!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
These are too funny not to post 😂
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
The future is now.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean