You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.