thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Lol
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.