I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
and now we wait
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap