Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
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Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian