If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.