[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
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[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.