Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…