some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Dance like you’re not the father
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Real House Wines.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
She puts the hot in psychotic
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is