him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
You Might Also Like
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”