Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
*bites zombie*