I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*