Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.