In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers