me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Damn he played himself
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.