Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!