me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?