Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
This sounds bad:
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.