*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.