I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
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If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
just left a huge legacy in there
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words