mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me too
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
From my Mom
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.