If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Free him