I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
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They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.