6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
You Might Also Like
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.