If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
This is my favorite one of these!