Become ungovernable.
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🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.