[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
CUTE CAT‼︎
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.