Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.