What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Beware of the dog..
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
This meal prepping shit easy
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.