If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Nothing.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening