Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”