Everything reminds me of my ex
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
God, I love Scotland
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My love language is hissing.