My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.