WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it