me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
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Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!