God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance