Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.