My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.