[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Passwords are more important than ever.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”