When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
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If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.