[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”