Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
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If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
How do you milk an almond?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Can’t. About to go please some beans
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.