You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.