If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you