My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
You Might Also Like
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
The sacred texts.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…