[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
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Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’