Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.