A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You Might Also Like
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
first you must answer his riddles
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!