My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Rt to bother an English speaker
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due